(Image copyrighted with rights owned by The Vortex in Atlanta. Used under the fair use doctrine. )
Sometimes a bad pun is necessary. See title and image above.
Anyway, about 7 years ago I went with my brother to a restaurant called The Vortex. Originally, this place appeared on an episode of "Man vs. Food," and thus our desire to eat here was born. I don't know what it is about the Travel channel, but it has been the inspiration for so many things I've done. Eat Chocolate covered crickets in Asia- Check. Tried to make an omelet the size of a rug, and then eat it- well still working on actually getting that out of the skillet- trying to... well check. Eat the Double Bypass at the Vortex in Atlanta - Double check.
When my brother and I landed at Hartsfield-Jackson International in Atlanta one a hot, humid summer evening. We didn't feel like paying the ridiculous (I mean robbery) prices at the airport so we hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Anyway, once we landed my brother, dad and I went to The Vortex. I knew my mission ahead of time. Order, eat, and walk out of the Vortex without cruches. Or, without being fireman's carried out of the restaurant, and to live to tell the story. This burger isn't called the Double Bypass for nothing y'all. Challenge Accepted!
I get this massive burger and it has a lb. of steak, tomatoes, multiple slices of cheese, and yes, multiple strips of bacon. Throw in a couple eggs, and put that monstrosity between two grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. And then a full plate of tots. It's like Napolean Dynamite snuck into the kitchen to make sure everyone gets some freaking tots (*gosh).
I know that sounds like an entire days worth of food. It's actually two days worth of food. It has 4k calories according to The Vortex website. Is this a little digusting? Absolutely! But, it also means this kid can throw down, ya feel me?
I start off studying the burger like I'm playing a game of Risk. I surveyed the delicious tots. I immediately almost had to dive in like Kendrick into a pool full of liquor.... But, that burger was calling my name so I whispered some sweet nothings to the tots, and told them I'll be right back. I turned my attention to this monstrosity of a burger, and ate it like a guy on a mission. I took a couple bites then took a sip of beer. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. After getting my routine down to a science, I knew I was close to the finish line. That's when it hit me. The dreaded feeling in your stomach when you know there isn't much room left. I knew I wasn't a quitter. So with victory so close I stood up from the booth and stretched. The 7th inning meant that this battle was soon coming to a close. The losing side wasn't going to be me after flying half-way across the county, ya feel me?
With renewed determination I sat back down to hear my brother say, " Told both of y'all that he can't do it." So if you know then you know to never tell me I can't do something. A few minutes later the burger, and tots had been slayed. Now the hardest part was getting up with the Itis in full-swing and not fall over.
Somehow I made it to my dad's Escalade, and got back to his home. I immediately passed out once we arrived. I don't remember if I made it to the bed on the 2nd floor, or just passed on a couch about 100 feet from the door. I just remember waking up and still being full. I had climbed Mt. Bypass like 10 hours earlier, and I was still full. I knew at that moment The Double Bypass is a once-in-a-lifetime meal. Challenge Completed! Little did I know the place has added on two more monstrosities- The Triple and Quadruple Bypass burgers.